I Should Be Happy…

Tuesday marked my last day of undergraduate classes. I am on track to graduate this month, and to walk in commencement next May. After seven years, three schools, and two majors, I’m finally going to get a bachelor’s degree. This is something I’ve been waiting for, something I didn’t think would happen since I had to drop out of the first university I went to. When I felt like a failure, I didn’t think I’d ever be in this position, much less in the wake of all the changes I’ve made since then.

And yet…I’m not happy.

Continue reading “I Should Be Happy…”

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Filling the Gap

…by keeping busy,

coffee ice cream,

playing an MMORPG,

watching YouTube videos,

and trying to cultivate the motivation to clean my room.

These are all things that I try to fill the gap in my chest. It’s a feeling that empties my head of thought and saps me of happiness. I find it hard to express myself genuinely at such times, faking smiles and expressing emotion where there is no basis for either. I feel lonely, yet the thought of seeking out someone to sit next to isn’t something I necessarily want, either. I’m trying out everything that usually makes me happy in order to make myself feel better, but it’s not working—none of it is working. Such things stay in the chasm for a while, but they eventually slip out and I’m left empty again. The joy is fleeting and only lasts a little while.

In these times, I feel like a truly worthless human being.