Conclusion

I’m done

I’m done and should be happy

I’m done and should be happy but there is still empty

 

Shadows creep back in, embracing any good thing in sight

And hugs…hard. Tight. Unyielding. Unforgiving.

How dare you?

Why even try?

 

With the last stapled bunch, I end a chapter

In search of a book I’ve never known

A book that, for all I know, doesn’t even exist

I don’t know if I could write it

If that’s what it came to

 

There is no nostalgia

No relief

And if either existed for any length of time

The moment was brief

As if they never existed

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Stars

I got carried away

One turned into many

Scraps of paper on my right

Shapes in my hands

 

An uncertain future?

Star.

A lack of hope?

Another star.

Existing in the in-between of meaningful and meaningless?

Yet another star.

 

It attracts and distracts

When the world is running faster

Something I can change

When my hands can’t hold much else

 

Alone, yet swarmed?

Star.

In darkness and light?

Another star.

Keeping muted screams in their place?

Yet another star.

Changes In My Head

I can’t sleep, but I have to.

And yet, I can’t stop thinking about all the ways my mind has turned over itself in such a short time.

I went from feeling okay, to feeling like a dissolving pitcher as it empties just that little bit of remaining water, if not totally empty.

I went from feeling empty to stable-ish, which isn’t much of a foundation to build on. But hey, I have to work from something, don’t I?

There are promises made and promises to keep. There is a milestone and a holiday, a gift and memories to make. However, there is also an uncertain future ahead, and in those times of emptiness, I’ve wondered if that uncertainty is a closing book that just…ends.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t been at this point at any other part of my life. It’s the first time that an ending this substantial means to lead onward to new experiences. It should be empowering and fill me with zeal, but now it does just the opposite. It frightens me, and it gets worse every time I think I find an opportunity to shine, then follow by discovering I can’t do it for some reason. Some hope remains, but not enough to act, surely.

It’s possible that I’m being melodramatic, but it’s impossible to fake the empty times. They’re overbearing to the point of existing as their own being, outside my mind and control, acting as they see fit, beyond my input. That’s why it feels so hard to overcome them, because I can hardly maintain meaningful friendships. So why would it be any different in this context?

I stand at the crossroads, feeling tired and scared in a way that feels more like complacency. No one can predict the future, including me, and I’m not berating anyone for it. There have been many a time at the end of a semester when I’ll become so comfortably numb to the stress around me, but it’s not because I’m confident. It’s because I’m already too stressed out, and I’m left with one of two options: 1) Be a ball of stress, whining and complaining as I go with reckless abandon; or 2) Turn everything off.

I used to like staying up late at night because it was quiet enough for me to think without the outside world providing noise pollution. Now, the pollution is in my head.

When You Do(n’t) Suffer From Mental Illness

When you don’t tell people what you go through, it’s like setting yourself up for disappointment from the get-go. You keep your secrets because if they’re too dark for you, you don’t want to drag them down, too. Those secrets start to meld into your identity, to the point where there’s no use in separating them because you lost sight of the differences. If you finally say something like, “I suffer from mental illness,” in front of people you’ve never let into your broken parts, something’s bound to send you spiraling down.

Continue reading “When You Do(n’t) Suffer From Mental Illness”

Day 2: Here is What You Can Do

On each day of National Suicide Prevention Week, the organization To Write Love On Her Arms creates opportunities through suggested tasks to spread the message of hope and help. Yesterday was World Suicide Prevention Day, when everyone who purchased one of their awareness packs was encouraged to wear their shirts, bracelets, and pins and take a picture to post on social media websites.

Today, on the anniversary of one of America’s darkest days, TWLOHA urges us to learn about the warning signs of suicide and encourages us to ask the hard questions that may save someone’s life. The following graphic was provided by their website, with information from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and includes signs recognizable in the things someone says, does, and feels.

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Graphic retrieved from TWLOHA

TWLOHA also links us to the Foundation’s page on suicide risk factors and warning signs, which goes more in depth about the aforementioned information.

It is their hope, as well as mine, that you would learn about this information so that you are better equipped to help the people in your life who may be struggling. It may even help you recognize the signs in yourself, which can simultaneously be the scariest and relieving thing. On one hand, you may realize what to call the darkness you’ve been in and realize you need help. On the other hand, there is a name for that darkness, and you are never alone in the struggle against it.

It’s important to keep an eye out for these signs in ourselves and the people around us, because help is so near and yet so far when the issue remains unaddressed. WeΒ must ask if someone is thinking of hurting themselves and/or taking their own life, because even if its uncomfortable or scary to do, help isΒ right there for the the taking. TWLOHA assures people in their Day 2 page that “contrary to popular belief, your questioning won’t drive someone to suicide,” which is a worry I’ve experienced in these types of situations. Don’t be afraid to open a dialogue with someone, because as uncomfortable and scary as it might be, it could prove to be the turning point they’ve needed and wanted for longer than you realize. If that person is you, reach out to someone and tell them what you’re feeling.

Remember: Suffering this way doesn’t mean you deserve to feel this pain. You are worthy of help and healing, and whether you stand to help someone else or yourself, reaching out is absolutely worth it.

 

 

The Struggle (AKA: Why My Brain Sucks 5)

This is an honest snapshot of what it’s like to feel like you’re trying to fool everyone. I want to illustrate what goes on in my head when I espouse the benefits of living and the words sound hollow in my own ears. These are the times when I wonder if I’m being a hypocrite—encouraging people to smile, to seek help, to live their best life as their genuine self in a do-no-harm fashion, when the clouds descend and I can’t follow my own advice. It isn’t an easy thing to look at, so I’ve put it all under a Read More tag just in case.

Continue reading “The Struggle (AKA: Why My Brain Sucks 5)”

Filling the Gap

…by keeping busy,

coffee ice cream,

playing an MMORPG,

watching YouTube videos,

and trying to cultivate the motivation to clean my room.

These are all things that I try to fill the gap in my chest. It’s a feeling that empties my head of thought and saps me of happiness. I find it hard to express myself genuinely at such times, faking smiles and expressing emotion where there is no basis for either. I feel lonely, yet the thought of seeking out someone to sit next to isn’t something I necessarily want, either. I’m trying out everything that usually makes me happy in order to make myself feel better, but it’s not working—none of it is working. Such things stay in the chasm for a while, but they eventually slip out and I’m left empty again. The joy is fleeting and only lasts a little while.

In these times, I feel like a truly worthless human being.