I can’t sleep, but I have to.
And yet, I can’t stop thinking about all the ways my mind has turned over itself in such a short time.
I went from feeling okay, to feeling like a dissolving pitcher as it empties just that little bit of remaining water, if not totally empty.
I went from feeling empty to stable-ish, which isn’t much of a foundation to build on. But hey, I have to work from something, don’t I?
There are promises made and promises to keep. There is a milestone and a holiday, a gift and memories to make. However, there is also an uncertain future ahead, and in those times of emptiness, I’ve wondered if that uncertainty is a closing book that just…ends.
It doesn’t help that I haven’t been at this point at any other part of my life. It’s the first time that an ending this substantial means to lead onward to new experiences. It should be empowering and fill me with zeal, but now it does just the opposite. It frightens me, and it gets worse every time I think I find an opportunity to shine, then follow by discovering I can’t do it for some reason. Some hope remains, but not enough to act, surely.
It’s possible that I’m being melodramatic, but it’s impossible to fake the empty times. They’re overbearing to the point of existing as their own being, outside my mind and control, acting as they see fit, beyond my input. That’s why it feels so hard to overcome them, because I can hardly maintain meaningful friendships. So why would it be any different in this context?
I stand at the crossroads, feeling tired and scared in a way that feels more like complacency. No one can predict the future, including me, and I’m not berating anyone for it. There have been many a time at the end of a semester when I’ll become so comfortably numb to the stress around me, but it’s not because I’m confident. It’s because I’m already too stressed out, and I’m left with one of two options: 1) Be a ball of stress, whining and complaining as I go with reckless abandon; or 2) Turn everything off.
I used to like staying up late at night because it was quiet enough for me to think without the outside world providing noise pollution. Now, the pollution is in my head.