I Should Be Happy…

Tuesday marked my last day of undergraduate classes. I am on track to graduate this month, and to walk in commencement next May. After seven years, three schools, and two majors, I’m finally going to get a bachelor’s degree. This is something I’ve been waiting for, something I didn’t think would happen since I had to drop out of the first university I went to. When I felt like a failure, I didn’t think I’d ever be in this position, much less in the wake of all the changes I’ve made since then.

And yet…I’m not happy.

Continue reading “I Should Be Happy…”

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Stars

I got carried away

One turned into many

Scraps of paper on my right

Shapes in my hands

 

An uncertain future?

Star.

A lack of hope?

Another star.

Existing in the in-between of meaningful and meaningless?

Yet another star.

 

It attracts and distracts

When the world is running faster

Something I can change

When my hands can’t hold much else

 

Alone, yet swarmed?

Star.

In darkness and light?

Another star.

Keeping muted screams in their place?

Yet another star.

Stay. Be Found.

In a previous post, I wrote a reflection based on lyrics from Waving Through A Window from the musical Dear Evan Hansen. At the beginning of National Suicide Prevention Week, and on World Suicide Prevention Day, it was a starting point where I shared my own struggles to let people know they weren’t alone. Well, the TWLOHA campaign I’ve been talking about a lot officially ended yesterday, but the message must keep traveling to everyone who needs it. Even though official campaigns are coming to an end, the world isn’t fixed and there are still people who feel trapped inside their own heads.

I want to offer an encouraging message alongside the lyrics of You Will Be Found, also from Dear Evan Hansen.

Continue reading “Stay. Be Found.”

The Struggle (AKA: Why My Brain Sucks 5)

This is an honest snapshot of what it’s like to feel like you’re trying to fool everyone. I want to illustrate what goes on in my head when I espouse the benefits of living and the words sound hollow in my own ears. These are the times when I wonder if I’m being a hypocrite—encouraging people to smile, to seek help, to live their best life as their genuine self in a do-no-harm fashion, when the clouds descend and I can’t follow my own advice. It isn’t an easy thing to look at, so I’ve put it all under a Read More tag just in case.

Continue reading “The Struggle (AKA: Why My Brain Sucks 5)”

Keep Waving, Keep Watching

As World Suicide Prevention Day and National Suicide Prevention Week approach, I’ve had a song stuck in my head for a few days, now: Waving Through A Window, from the phenomenal musical Dear Evan Hansen. I’ve enjoyed watching covers of it, and I listened to the entirety of the soundtrack on Spotify after the Tony Awards this year. I can’t remember how it got stuck in my head this time, but I resolved that I just had to learn how to sing it. This, of course, logically meant pulling up the lyrics to follow along.

I’ve gone through a few runs of the song late at night for the past couple of nights, and what manages to seep in deeper are the lyrics, themselves. Beyond the instrumentals and the notes sung, the words dig into me not unlike when my cat kneads a blanket. The more I read over them, the more I find myself relating to the feelings of Evan Hansen, the character in the musical who sings this song.

Continue reading “Keep Waving, Keep Watching”

Why My Brain Sucks 2

I spent today trying to convince myself that it was going to be a good day. I had at least gotten my class reading done for today, even though I had totally forgotten about the minor group speech in class. I don’t know how my introduction managed to “blow away” our professor, but I’ll take it. I wasn’t in the mood to do much of anything today, much less talk to other people and present. I know that may sound antisocial, but such is the nonsense of an addled mind—I can be peppy and talkative one day, and run on autopilot anywhere from minutes to hours to a day later.

I asked for an egg and cheese omelette and got mac-n-cheese, instead. Normally this wouldn’t bother people, but for some reason today this had a profound effect. All I could keep thinking were things like: You should have just gone next door for a burger. No, you’ve been eating too many of those; the sandwich stand is healthier. You could have even just asked for the basic pasta+sauce combo and avoided the trouble. It seemed like just another notch in a day I couldn’t put faith into being a good one.

Continue reading “Why My Brain Sucks 2”

Trump is An American Problem

Make no mistake. Even if you think you personally don’t have anything to lose under this farce of a presidency, let me make myself perfectly clear: You are still losing. Why? An essential American ideal is unity. We are a country full of diverse people, but the goal is to still come together for the common cause of humanity—the ability to be human, and exercise our rights to that end. Many people are saying that Trump has been successful in unifying this country in that he has united millions of people in their hatred of him. However, this is just the start.

We are unified in our hate for a man who despite insulting and assaulting other human beings, managed to get voted into the White House via the electoral college. The popular vote was not on his side, and now a bed has been made that we do not want to sleep in. Even people who voted for this man are begging him on social media to not do away with programs and legislation that they need in order to survive. They are just now realizing what a lot of people already knew, and who now see our fears played out before our eyes—a Trump presidency is likely to mean an end to an era in which we saw legislation and attitudes change to accommodate the human condition, to realize the fact that rights are not privileges.

Your neighbor may stand to lose something because of President Trump.

A friend of a friend of a friend may lose something because of him.

An entire group of people may be disenfranchised and ignored because of him.

Even if you don’t personally know someone who stands to lose something in the next four years (granted, if he doesn’t get impeached first), you still lose something. If one American citizen, one group of Americans, one individual or group of individuals who want to become citizens of this country lose because of this president, you also lose under the principle of unity. We stand with our fellow human beings, and to watch one fall and believe that doesn’t affect us to ignore something innate and true within us.

We forsake our empathy.

So feel, kneel, and lend a hand. Are you furious? Raise your voice and make a spectacle on behalf of your fellow Americans. Are you curious? Do extensive research and be prepared to face people who will call your findings “alternative facts.” Are you concerned? Find ways you can help people in your community and at large. This way, it will be seen that efforts are being made to help instead of harm.

We do not have to be our president.

We do not have to trust him blindly.

We do not have to hang our heads and accept the atrocities that are soon to come.

We do not have to do nothing and be enveloped in our hopelessness, our anger, and our fears.

We have a vehicle for change, so let’s drive it. Let’s peacefully protest and boycott, sign petitions and write on platforms to get our point(s) across. Let’s make it to where we cannot be ignored, because we will not be ignored.

This is America, and we are Americans. Trump is an American problem. Therefore, let’s do a lot of things now before he becomes a global catastrophe.