Why My Brain Sucks 6 (maybe not? research pending?)

I can try to be poetic about it, but I wanted to talk about something odd about me: Whenever I get really excited and happy about something, I feel sick to my stomach.

This may sound like an exaggeration, or a misconstrued effect, but it’s true. Ever since I was little, no matter if it was an idea or an actual trip–something that made me super excited–I would start to feel unwell. I’ve heard about people working themselves into a fervor, stressing themselves out to the point of illness. Whether it be the planning process or the endeavor that will result, the feeling of illness is inevitable. Maybe in my case, it can be considered eustress–stress resulting from something positive, but is still stressful nonetheless.

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I Should Be Happy…

Tuesday marked my last day of undergraduate classes. I am on track to graduate this month, and to walk in commencement next May. After seven years, three schools, and two majors, I’m finally going to get a bachelor’s degree. This is something I’ve been waiting for, something I didn’t think would happen since I had to drop out of the first university I went to. When I felt like a failure, I didn’t think I’d ever be in this position, much less in the wake of all the changes I’ve made since then.

And yet…I’m not happy.

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Changes In My Head

I can’t sleep, but I have to.

And yet, I can’t stop thinking about all the ways my mind has turned over itself in such a short time.

I went from feeling okay, to feeling like a dissolving pitcher as it empties just that little bit of remaining water, if not totally empty.

I went from feeling empty to stable-ish, which isn’t much of a foundation to build on. But hey, I have to work from something, don’t I?

There are promises made and promises to keep. There is a milestone and a holiday, a gift and memories to make. However, there is also an uncertain future ahead, and in those times of emptiness, I’ve wondered if that uncertainty is a closing book that just…ends.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t been at this point at any other part of my life. It’s the first time that an ending this substantial means to lead onward to new experiences. It should be empowering and fill me with zeal, but now it does just the opposite. It frightens me, and it gets worse every time I think I find an opportunity to shine, then follow by discovering I can’t do it for some reason. Some hope remains, but not enough to act, surely.

It’s possible that I’m being melodramatic, but it’s impossible to fake the empty times. They’re overbearing to the point of existing as their own being, outside my mind and control, acting as they see fit, beyond my input. That’s why it feels so hard to overcome them, because I can hardly maintain meaningful friendships. So why would it be any different in this context?

I stand at the crossroads, feeling tired and scared in a way that feels more like complacency. No one can predict the future, including me, and I’m not berating anyone for it. There have been many a time at the end of a semester when I’ll become so comfortably numb to the stress around me, but it’s not because I’m confident. It’s because I’m already too stressed out, and I’m left with one of two options: 1) Be a ball of stress, whining and complaining as I go with reckless abandon; or 2) Turn everything off.

I used to like staying up late at night because it was quiet enough for me to think without the outside world providing noise pollution. Now, the pollution is in my head.

Dreams Can Be a B

It’s Summer vacation, and I’m not used to being up this early. So, why am I?

Well, originally I thought it was going to be because I got excited last night/early this morning about maybe starting to clean my room today. I went over the Pinterest board I made especially for this task, full of neat little organizational tips and tricks to declutter my space.

Instead, I am up this early because dreams can be a real bitch sometimes.

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On Your Mark…Steady…

Once I turned in my onlyΒ final exam this last Tuesday, my second-to-last semester of university was done.

This was a semester unlike any I’ve had before. There was stress, which wasn’t new, but it was stress that came in different forms. Some of those forms were positive, while others were the usual negative. In any case, I got through it, and in the process I got to experience a number of unique experiences. There were a bunch of firsts that made my family proud, and I did some things I never would have expected to be courageous enough to do—and yet, I did them! This semester also stands out as my last full-time semester, since I just have one more class to take when Fall rolls around. Getting to this point in and of itself has been a journey in the making, something I’ve been wanting since I was a freshman for the first time seven years ago.

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