Why My Brain Sucks 6 (maybe not? research pending?)

I can try to be poetic about it, but I wanted to talk about something odd about me: Whenever I get really excited and happy about something, I feel sick to my stomach.

This may sound like an exaggeration, or a misconstrued effect, but it’s true. Ever since I was little, no matter if it was an idea or an actual trip–something that made me super excited–I would start to feel unwell. I’ve heard about people working themselves into a fervor, stressing themselves out to the point of illness. Whether it be the planning process or the endeavor that will result, the feeling of illness is inevitable. Maybe in my case, it can be considered eustress–stress resulting from something positive, but is still stressful nonetheless.

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I Should Be Happy…

Tuesday marked my last day of undergraduate classes. I am on track to graduate this month, and to walk in commencement next May. After seven years, three schools, and two majors, I’m finally going to get a bachelor’s degree. This is something I’ve been waiting for, something I didn’t think would happen since I had to drop out of the first university I went to. When I felt like a failure, I didn’t think I’d ever be in this position, much less in the wake of all the changes I’ve made since then.

And yet…I’m not happy.

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Optimistic Nihilism and Frustration

The other day, there was an interesting looking video in my Recommended feed on YouTube. It was about something calledย optimistic nihilism, and although I’d heard about being nihilistic, I was curious to see how optimism could be incorporated into it.

Of course, my first reaction proved I had missed the point of the video. I felt hopeless, felt like my tiny speck of an existence didn’t matter and that everything I’ve ever done, said, or thought would mean nothing in the future. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt this small, though. The first time was in a Big History class when I first starting college; we studied history from the origins of the universe to the present day, and one thing that I took from that class was the knowledge thatย everything that is and ever was comprises far more than you ever will in your entire lifetime. It’s why I’ve felt pressure in classes to “reinvent the wheel,” to be innovative and memorable so that I won’t fade into oblivion as quickly. In this respect, I fear death–in the sense that I’ll live a life unfulfilled without any remaining chances to actually live.

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