It’s Nearly Here!

I’ve said it in much the same way to anyone who will listen for months on end: Although it took eight years, three schools, and one change in my major, I am FINALLY graduating with a bachelor’s degree!

Those numbers are worth noting (and repeating) because it’s so drastically different from my original plan. I graduated from high school in 2010 with the expectation that I’d have a bachelor’s degree in music from the university I’d enrolled in, within three or four years. I anticipated a life fulfilling my purpose as a musician, but Life had a few things to say about that. As a result, I’ve gone back and forth, trudging through and taking successes where I could get them, all to get to Thursday, May 24th, 2018. That is when I will be walking in Commencement with my fellow graduates, with my family, friends, and loved ones watching on. It wasn’t an easy path, but I got there.

I need to write about it because I feel physically ill when I’m excited or anticipating some Great Big Thing, like this upcoming ceremony. I’ll chalk it up to nerves because saying happiness is making me feel sick sounds strange to some. I’m not worried about anything…at least, nothing I can come up with at the moment. As weird as it sounds, I’m looking forward to the ceremony too much. The hyped-up energy is building in me and I have no way to let it out, save for going through Commencement and putting a nice proverbial bow on the whole event. Writing provides some solace, though.

Continue reading “It’s Nearly Here!”

Advertisements

Why My Brain Sucks 6 (maybe not? research pending?)

I can try to be poetic about it, but I wanted to talk about something odd about me: Whenever I get really excited and happy about something, I feel sick to my stomach.

This may sound like an exaggeration, or a misconstrued effect, but it’s true. Ever since I was little, no matter if it was an idea or an actual trip–something that made me super excited–I would start to feel unwell. I’ve heard about people working themselves into a fervor, stressing themselves out to the point of illness. Whether it be the planning process or the endeavor that will result, the feeling of illness is inevitable. Maybe in my case, it can be considered eustress–stress resulting from something positive, but is still stressful nonetheless.

Continue reading “Why My Brain Sucks 6 (maybe not? research pending?)”

I Should Be Happy…

Tuesday marked my last day of undergraduate classes. I am on track to graduate this month, and to walk in commencement next May. After seven years, three schools, and two majors, I’m finally going to get a bachelor’s degree. This is something I’ve been waiting for, something I didn’t think would happen since I had to drop out of the first university I went to. When I felt like a failure, I didn’t think I’d ever be in this position, much less in the wake of all the changes I’ve made since then.

And yet…I’m not happy.

Continue reading “I Should Be Happy…”

Optimistic Nihilism and Frustration

The other day, there was an interesting looking video in my Recommended feed on YouTube. It was about something called optimistic nihilism, and although I’d heard about being nihilistic, I was curious to see how optimism could be incorporated into it.

Of course, my first reaction proved I had missed the point of the video. I felt hopeless, felt like my tiny speck of an existence didn’t matter and that everything I’ve ever done, said, or thought would mean nothing in the future. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt this small, though. The first time was in a Big History class when I first starting college; we studied history from the origins of the universe to the present day, and one thing that I took from that class was the knowledge that everything that is and ever was comprises far more than you ever will in your entire lifetime. It’s why I’ve felt pressure in classes to “reinvent the wheel,” to be innovative and memorable so that I won’t fade into oblivion as quickly. In this respect, I fear death–in the sense that I’ll live a life unfulfilled without any remaining chances to actually live.

Continue reading “Optimistic Nihilism and Frustration”