Job Hunting and Depression

This is a post borne out of frustrating daily job searches, articles that talk about how to pick yourself up and keep going, as well as people who think that saying they’ve been in your position will magic away the depression of it all. In places, it may seem harsh. However, I feel the need to write about what goes on in my head so people can understand what I’m going through, and perhaps dispel a couple of myths along the way.

Family and friends ESPECIALLY: This is for you.

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Why My Brain Sucks 9

Back in #6, I wrote about feeling physically ill when I’m happy about something. Now, I’m going to let you in on another way my brain sucks: it makes me miserable just ahead of something that already sucks.

Allow me to explain.

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Why My Brain Sucks 8

In a post from last year, titled “I Should Be Happy,” I talked about finishing my undergraduate education and not feeling the familiar giddiness of reaching a goal–of a job well done. I’m here to tell you that feeling has not gone away.

In fact, it’s only gotten worse.

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Why My Brain Sucks 7

In the trash heap I call my room, I examine my options and possibilities.

The new year has arrived, and it doesn’t seem like a whole lot has changed. I would be naive to think everything would instantly change once the ball dropped, so trust me, that isn’t my mindset. Over time, though, it seems there has been a cushion period between the end of one year and a few days into the next year. In that period, people execute the beginnings of their resolutions and are still trying to figure stuff out. After this period, the new crazy starts to come out, and the year is in full swing.

Well, crazy came early, and that’s why my brain sucks.

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I Should Be Happy…

Tuesday marked my last day of undergraduate classes. I am on track to graduate this month, and to walk in commencement next May. After seven years, three schools, and two majors, I’m finally going to get a bachelor’s degree. This is something I’ve been waiting for, something I didn’t think would happen since I had to drop out of the first university I went to. When I felt like a failure, I didn’t think I’d ever be in this position, much less in the wake of all the changes I’ve made since then.

And yet…I’m not happy.

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Conclusion

I’m done

I’m done and should be happy

I’m done and should be happy but there is still empty

 

Shadows creep back in, embracing any good thing in sight

And hugs…hard. Tight. Unyielding. Unforgiving.

How dare you?

Why even try?

 

With the last stapled bunch, I end a chapter

In search of a book I’ve never known

A book that, for all I know, doesn’t even exist

I don’t know if I could write it

If that’s what it came to

 

There is no nostalgia

No relief

And if either existed for any length of time

The moment was brief

As if they never existed

Stars

I got carried away

One turned into many

Scraps of paper on my right

Shapes in my hands

 

An uncertain future?

Star.

A lack of hope?

Another star.

Existing in the in-between of meaningful and meaningless?

Yet another star.

 

It attracts and distracts

When the world is running faster

Something I can change

When my hands can’t hold much else

 

Alone, yet swarmed?

Star.

In darkness and light?

Another star.

Keeping muted screams in their place?

Yet another star.