How My Brain Works Against Itself

I’m up late again, thinking of all the things I want and need to do. If you’re curious to see how my brain compartmentalizes things, it happens in bullet points, like so:

  • I want to figure out what I want to do with my life.
    • I want to do something I enjoy.
      • I want to try music again.
      • I want to try actually maintaining a gaming channel on YouTube.
        • I need to get the stuff I need to make channel material, but I also need room in my bedroom to set it all up in.
      • I want to see what happens if I post some of my creative writing online.
        • I want to see if that can be an outlet for writing creatively for a living.
      • I wonder if doing all of the above at the same time would be okay.
  • I need to clean my room.
    • I want to start from the area by my door and progress inward toward my room.
    • Mom wants to start from my closet, which is at the far point of my room, but that idea makes me uncomfortable for some weird reason.
    • My room is starting to look like a hoarder’s storage bin, and I get excited when I can see a bit of carpet peeking out from the mess.
  • I need to get a loan mess from a previous school figured out.
    • I need to write the company a letter so I can sort it all out.
  • I need to get stuff for my last semester of college.
    • I need an agenda.
    • I need the class textbook.
    • I need to buy a bus pass.
      • I need to figure out which buses I’m taking to and from campus.
  • I want to buy a book.
    • …but I need to finish the books I’m not done with yet.
      • There are less than 10, but it still feels like a lot.


So, there you have it. This is why I get so easily stressed out and unmotivated to do things. It’s like those math homework assignments we’ve all come to hate—we rejoice at the fact that there are just five problems to work through, but each question has five or more parts to it. Each task becomes so complicated that it becomes daunting, and I end up putting it off and likely making things worse for myself. Thinking of things in abstract terms can work wonders for my creative side, but when it comes to getting other stuff done, I end up feeling desperate and hopelessly unprepared to begin something and see it through to completion. (If you’re wondering, this is also how I sort out what academic work I do—it’s organized by class, highlighted by complexity and how soon an assignment/task is due, and I work accordingly.) The bullet points style of organizing stresses me out when it comes to my creativity, which plays some part in figuring out what I want to do with my life. It all feels hopeless when I try to trace it out, which I guess is a lesson in learning what organizational method works best for specific areas, instead of just applying a general method to everything.

In a way, I guess this piggybacks my post Needs vs. Fears, in that there are things I need and fear that are sometimes the same thing, and there are also things I must organize with rigidity and things I have to treat with more flexibility. While I can’t think of anything in my life that can be treated both with and without structure at the moment, there has to be something…right?

Okay, I’m going to conclude this post before another bullet points list shows up.


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