Needs vs. Fears

I have been lazy for the majority of my summer, and on one hand, I don’t regret it. I took on far too much last semester, and I had resolved to make my vacation between semesters as stress-free as possible.

On the other hand, I’ve been lazy for the majority of the summer. I’ve been waking up as late as five-o’-clock in the afternoon for the past few weeks, and I’ve gone through the same routine. I wake up, eat and/or watch YouTube videos, have dinner with my family, then either get straight back into watching videos or playing an MMORPG. I do sometimes add to the fan fiction I talked about in a previous post, but aside from dates with my boyfriend and errands with my mom, I don’t get out much. That ordinarily wouldn’t bother me, except that now…it does.

Being lazy gives me time to think, and while I appreciate this most of the time, it does come back to bite me in the ass sometimes. When I have too much time to think, especially when everyone else is asleep and I’m wide awake in the early hours of the morning, it doesn’t end up being productive or particularly happy. Here’s a snippet of what it’s like to be inside my head:

I wake up so late because I have nothing to get up for.

My room is a mess, and I don’t know where to start. I’m sure I’ll just put in some minusculeย effort and stop before I’ve done any significant work, just like last time.

I’m going to be in my last semester of university and I have no idea what I want to do for a living.

And with that last thought, we come to the purpose of this post. See, I’m thrilled that I’m nearly done with my university years. When I met with an adviser for graduation approval last semester and heard that I was on the path to graduation next Spring, I couldn’t be happier. I’ve told the head of my major department a few times that no one wants me to graduate more than I do, after seven years, three colleges, and two majors. To top it off, I’m only taking one class—it’s my first time being a part-time student, and I think it will do me a lot of good to have more time dedicated to doing well in that one last required course. However, I know I’m going to be anxious and feel overwhelmed at some point, which has been an inevitability ever since I became a college student. I always go into the new semester thrilled and excited, only to slowly be consumed by stress of my own making close to the midway point of the semester.

Here is my situation—school, which is something that gets me out of the house and gives me stuff to do so I’m not unoccupied and bored, is something I need, yet also something I fear.

It’s especially difficult considering I’m preaching to the college students’ chorus in the traditional I Have No Clue What I’m Doing style. No matter how many times I evaluate my passions and abilities, I get no solid leads on what I want to do. Maybe I’m just afraid that something I come up with is going to get shot down, like the ideas that came and went as if they never existed. The opinions of people with more power, or those whom I care about, end up having verdicts that lead me to scrap ideas with very little struggles. Dreams have died in this way, because I trust other people to tell me about what I’m best at more than I trust myself. (Note: I know I’m probably sounding whiny to some people, but please bear with me. I’m in the thick of lonely thinking right now, so I’m not going to be palatable for everyone at the moment.)

Another ironic thing is that school both distracts me from depression and intensifies it. Right now, I’m feeling depressed because I’m looking at my life and realizing I’ve done next to nothing with my life, and because of an ongoing phobia of driving that I’ve been trying to get over for years. But when I’m in school, I end up comparing myself to others. I bite off more than I can chew and I stop talking to people because socializing is too exhausting. There are plenty of times when I just feelย done—with school, life, thinking, etc. I feel like it’s already too late for me to live a meaningful life, and I’m wondering what the hold-up is on natural selection taking its course. (Note 2: I’m aware evolution and natural selection are gradual things that take more than a semester of college to progress and make evident change.)

Sine I try to end my posts here by pointing out the silver lining, I am trying really hard to provide a message for you that I can believe in, too. Maybe it’s that some of the things that scare us can actually be the best things for us?

Yeah…that’s the only one I can come up with at the moment. Sorry, folks…

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