I feel it—the need to complete my work, borne of knowledge and routine. As a college student, this acts as a clock that is always ticking. I know it well, have improved its parts over several years, and since I had to start on an academic schedule that was virtually my own I have felt something else
Procrastination—the desire to do anything but what I am supposed to be doing. At first, I thought it was just a matter of being lazy, of having to get over myself and “hop to it.” I internalized that if I got something done I would feel more motivated to do other things, and that works sometimes. However, it doesn’t work all the time.
I don’t feel lazy, and despite what might be said of me I am not usually a lazy person. It feels more like a vice-grip on everything above the waist. I feel like a fast car in need of driving off that cannot do so. My brain, if outside my head, might have constant motion and yet have nothing to do with it. I am paralyzed by the stress of deadlines even when I remind myself that this has happened before. In order to stave off worry of not being productive, I play into not doing the work. It’s an unconscious effort that often occurs too easily, but sometimes I feel like I’m just making excuses. Knowing me and my brain, I could just be making excuses in order to not do work. The only reason this post exists at all is because I am putting off getting schoolwork done.
Let me clear–I did not graduate with honors from high school and community college by being “lazy.” I did not get this far, about a semester or two from graduation, by being “lazy.” I could joke that I pulled papers out of my ass and aced tests without quite knowing why, but then I wouldn’t be totally honest with my feelings. It’s what I seem to do a lot—I employ humor in order to keep myself from admitting what’s really going on. After all, if I can laugh about it, it mustn’t be an issue…right?
The fact of the matter is that any number of things may be addling my brain, and I can only venture as many guesses as anyone in my position can without professional assistance. I can list the faults of my personality far quicker from its virtues because it’s a habit I cannot break. The fate of my country and fellow citizens proves to be a constant and ceaseless worry that I can never distance myself from, because history proves that so much can be lost when people remain ignorant. I face the conundrum of wanting to make a difference and not having the resources to do so. I have mentally rendered myself useless to history, and in so doing I rid myself of reason to take any action at all.
The sound doesn’t stop. It’s a drumbeat I cannot dance to, yet always hear.
EDIT #1: There is also balancing the belief others have for me of going on to earn a Master’s or PhD after my Bachelor’s degree is achieved. I am used to school, but I want to go a day without thinking my world is in a whirlpool heading straight to disappointment. I know it sounds dramatic, but even if I can barely handle thing in an undergrad program, how will a grad program be any easier? Searching for programs on the internet and simultaneously believing it’s something I cannot do is not resulting in a very positive mindset right now.