Why Hamilton Makes Me Cry

I just got done watching the documentary on PBS about the journey of the musical Hamilton, which if you weren’t aware, is a phenomenal musical about the life of our first Secretary of the Treasury in the United States, Alexander Hamilton. It’s not the sleep-inducing history lesson that led you to doodle in your notebook in order to stay awake. It makes history personal by incorporating the modern sounds of rap and hip-hop, as well as some jazz, in order to bring a founding father’s story into relevant conversation.

I know how the story ends, both in terms of the musical and the history it was based on. However, the ending always gets me. I knew that the last couple of songs of Act 2 would be featured in the documentary. I have made the mistake many times of listening through it on public transit, which prompts me to attempt withholding tears.

Some people might think it’s weird that I’m crying over a man who died in a duel in 1847. As you may be able to tell, I don’t think so. There is more than one reason I cry when I reach the end of the musical, and I hope to make those reasons clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, in order to help you understand where I’m coming from.

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The Things I Never Say Aloud

I always feel like I’m nearing the cusp of some great idea, something that could change the world—or at least one person’s world, and everything that means. I’m one door away from seeing what I was purposed for, but I’m always standing outside the door, fist raised to knock but as silent as my tongue remains.

After long hard days I still manage to find inspiration. But what’s the use of having it, if you have no one to share it with? Wrong. I have people—family, friends, my boyfriend, people I have yet to meet. But when there’s a colorful world in your head, and not enough words in your vocabulary to give them life in conversation, it gets lonely really quick.

Sometimes I feel like I’m at university just to be at university, that I’ve forsaken my true passions in an effort to conform. I know what I’m doing is important, and I’m nearly to the end, but not knowing how to apply what I’ve learned in terms of a future career is daunting, to say the least. There’s still music in my heart, waken up every so often to remind me of the joy I used to feel for the art. I still feel it to some extent, but the idea of restricting talent with the vice of academic study kills the dream quicker than it fuels it.

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Bright Mornings Giving Way to Exhaustion

After an eternity of hiding under a proverbial rock, I finally started listening to the soundtrack for Hamilton last night. I was trying to create motivation out of thin air, to take an outline to a full-fledged paper, but music worked so much better. I finished the first act last night, and started listening to the second act on the bus this morning. Although there are the songs that are less about the forming of this country in this act, and more about the heartbreak of things ending too early, I felt that special energy I have always felt when I’ve listened to a wonderful musical soundtrack. It made me smile on the bus, and no one else knew why. It was wonderful.

When I sat down in class this morning, I was still running off of that high. The bus’s WiFi had cut out in the middle of “It’s Quiet Uptown,” and I wanted to keep on listening, but that could come after class. Also, the listening could resume after working on yet another paper, due tomorrow…which, as a matter of fact, I’m procrastinating by writing this blog.

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Reasons to Live: Post #1

I want to try this exercise, in which I list reasons I have to continue in this life, instead of submitting to pain and giving up entirely. I hope that, through reading my reasons, you can begin a similar habit. Writing your reasons down may be a more concrete way to preserve them, but even just making a habit of remembering mental notes of reasons is great. As long as you have reasons, there is a life still to be lived. Without further ado, here are the first of my reasons.

  1. I want to see how a pair of Oxford heels will look with my future wedding dress.
  2. I want to walk across the stage and symbolically graduate from university life.
  3. I want to see our kitten, Chance, grow up.
  4. I want to see more of the United States—more than just travelling over the CA/NV state border can give me.
  5. I want to do one of those swab tests in order to find out the extent of my ancestry.
  6. I want to see one of my friends from middle school marry the love of his life.
  7. There will never be a  limit on the amount of San Jose Sharks games I want to go to.
  8. There is always “one more book” I want to read, when I already have three or four awaiting my attention.
  9. I feel like I have yet to reach my full potential as a force for good in the world, and I really want to figure out what that ends up being.
  10. I want to sing the song “Can’t Help Falling In Love” for other people to see what they think.

 

I think I’m going to try committing to ten reasons per post. While this may not be an everyday thing, I’m going to try to do it as often as I can. Also, as a note for my friends and loved ones: I’m not doing this because of some suicidal urge. I merely want to provide an example of how someone might find their own reasons to live, by providing my own.

It Finally Feels Like Autumn

I knew it felt like Autumn, at last, when I wore skinny jeans and a long-sleeved shirt on October 1st.

Today, when I added socks and a camisole to that ensemble for warmth, it really felt like Autumn.

The dark skies and short bursts of rain.

Wearing a scarf, the wind icy on my face as I sped along on my scooter.

The brief moments of sunlight cutting in, but again making way for the only shades of gray that don’t depress me.

Winter, like a timid toddler, hiding behind my legs as green leaves turned red, orange, and brown.

The day is shorter, but I have never felt more awake, more alive.

My blood runs with possibilities, my heart pumping them throughout my body, encouraging and energizing me.

It’s not the first season that comes to mind when I’m asked what my favorite season of, but I am now reminded how it remains my unspoken preference of the four. All of them have their virtues, but something about the chills and thrills of Autumn bring me to a state of peace.

Seeing this time of year, means we’ve gotten this far. We can only keep going forward.